Step Four
"We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
Most of us came to Narcotics Anonymous because we wanted to stop something -
using drugs. We probably didn't put much thought into what we were starting-a
program of recovery-by coming to NA. But if we haven't taken a look at what
we're getting out of this program, now might be a good time to pause and think
about it.
First, we should ask ourselves what we want out of recovery. Most of us answer
this question by saying that we just want to be comfortable, or happy, or
serene. We just want to like ourselves. But how can we like ourselves when we
didn't even know who we are?
The Fourth Step gives us the means to begin finding out who we are, the
information we'll need to begin to like ourselves and get those other things we
expect from the program-comfort, happiness, serenity.
The Fourth Step heralds a new era in our recovery. Steps Four through Nine can
be thought of as a process within a process. We will use the information we find
in working the Fourth Step to work our Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, and Ninth
Steps. This process is meant to be done over and over again in recovery.
There is an analogy for this process that is particularly apt. We can think of
ourselves as an onion. Each time we begin a Fourth Step, we are peeling away a
layer of the onion and getting closer to the core. Each layer of the onion
represents another layer of denial, the disease of addiction, our character
defects, and the harm we've caused. The core represents the pure and healthy
spirit that lies at the center of each one of us. It is our goal in recovery to
have a spiritual awakening, and we get closer to that by beginning this process.
Our spirits awaken a little more each time we go through it.
The Fourth Step is a method for learning about ourselves, and it is as much
about finding our character assets as it is about identifying the exact nature
of our wrongs. The inventory process is also an avenue to freedom. We have been
prohibited from being free for so long-probably all our lives. Many of us have
discovered, as we worked the Fourth Step, that our problems didn't begin the
first time we took drugs, but long before, when the seeds of our addiction were
actually planted. We may have felt isolated and different long before we took
drugs. In fact, the way we felt and the forces that drove us are completely
enmeshed with our addiction; it was our desire to change the way we felt and to
subdue those forces that led us to take our first drug. Our inventory will lay
bare the unresolved pain and conflicts in our past so that we are no longer at
their mercy. We'll have a choice. We'll have achieved a measure of freedom.
This portion of the Step Working Guides actually has two distinct sections. The
first helps us prepare to work the Fourth Step by guiding us through an
exploration of our motives for working this step and what this step means to us.
The second part is a guide for actually taking a searching and fearless moral
inventory.
Motivation
Though our motivation for working the Fourth Step is not as important as
actually working the Fourth Step, we may find it helpful to examine and dispel
any reservations we have about this step, and think about some of the benefits
we will get as a result of working this step.
==> Do I have any reservations about working this step? What are they?
==> What are some of the benefits that could come from making a searching and
fearless moral inventory of myself?
==> Why shouldn't I procrastinate about working this step? What are the
benefits of not procrastinating?
Searching and fearless
This is the phrase that has most puzzled many of us. We probably understand what
"searching" means, but what about "fearless"? How can we get
over all our fear? That might take years, we think; but we need to work on this
inventory right away.
Taking a fearless inventory means going ahead despite our fear. It means having
the courage to take this action no matter how we feel about it. It means having
the courage to be honest, even when we're cringing inside and swearing that
we'll take what we're writing to the grave. It means having the determination to
be thorough, even when it seems that we've written enough. It means having the
faith to trust this process and trust our Higher Power to give us whatever
quality we need to walk through the process.
Let's face it: This step does involve a lot of work. But we can take heart from
the fact that there's rarely a deadline on completing this step. We can do it in
manageable sections, a little at a time, until we are done. The only thing
that's important is that we work on it consistently.
There are times when our clean time can actually work against us: when we fail
to acknowledge our fear of taking an inventory. Many of us who have worked the
Fourth Step numerous times and know it's ultimately one of the most loving
things we can do for ourselves may still find ourselves avoiding this task. We
may think that since we know how good this process is, we shouldn't have any
fear of it. But we need to give ourselves permission to be afraid, if that's
what we feel.
We may also have fears that stem from our previous experiences with the Fourth
Step. We know that an inventory means change in our lives. We know that if our
inventories reveal destructive patterns, we can't continue to practice the same
behaviors without a great deal of pain. Sometimes this means having to let go of
something in our lives - some behavior we think we can't survive without; a
relationship; or perhaps a resentment we've nursed so carefully that it's
actually become, in a sick way, a source of reassurance and comfort. The fear of
letting go of something we've come to depend on, no matter how much we've begun
to suspect it isn't good for us, is an absolutely valid fear. We just can't let
it stop us. We have to face it and act with courage.
We may also have to overcome a barrier that grows from an unwillingness to
reveal more of our disease. Many of our members with clean time have shared that
an inventory taken in later recovery revealed that their addiction had spread
its tentacles so completely through their lives that virtually no area was left
untouched. This realization is often initially met with feelings of dismay and
perplexity. We wonder how we could still be so sick. Hasn't all this effort in
recovery resulted in more than surface healing?
Of course it has. We just need some time to remember that. Our sponsor will be
happy to remind us. After we've had time to accept what our inventories are
revealing, we feel a sense of hope rising to replace the feelings of dismay.
After all, an inventory always initiates a process of change and freedom. Why
shouldn't it this time, too?
==> Am I afraid of working this step? What is my fear?
==> What does it mean to me to be searching and fearless?
(Am I working with my sponsor and talking to other addicts? What other action am
I taking to reassure myself that I can handle whatever is revealed in this
inventory?
A moral inventory
Many of us have a multitude of unpleasant associations connected to the word
"moral." It may conjure up memories of an overly rigid code of
behavior we were expected to adhere to. It may make us think of people we
consider "moral," people we think of as better than ourselves. Hearing
this word may also awaken our tendency toward rebellion against society's morals
and our resentment of authorities who were never satisfied with our morality.
Whether any of this is true for us, as individuals, is a matter to be determined
by us, as individuals. If any of the preceding seems to fit, we can alleviate
our discomfort with the word "moral" by thinking about it in a
different way.
In Narcotics Anonymous, in this step, the word "moral" has nothing to
do with specific codes of behavior, society's norms, or the judgment of some
authority figure. A moral inventory is something we can use to discover our own
individual morality, our own values and principles. We don't have to relate them
in any way to the values and principles of others.
==> Am I disturbed by the word "moral"? Why?
==> Am I disturbed by thinking about society's expectations and afraid that I
can't, won't, and will never be able to conform to them?
==> What values and principles are important to me?
An inventory of ourselves
The Fourth Step asks us to take an inventory of ourselves, not of other people.
Yet when we begin writing and looking at our resentments, fears, behavior,
beliefs, and secrets, we will find that most of these are connected to another
person, or sometimes to an organization or institution. It's important to
understand that we are free to write whatever we need to about others, as long
as it leads us to finding our part in the situation. In fact, most of us can't
separate our part from their part at first. Our sponsor will help us with this.
Spiritual principles
In the Fourth Step, we will call on all of the spiritual principles we began to
practice in the first three steps. First of all, we have to be willing to work a
Fourth Step. We'll need to be meticulously honest with ourselves, thinking about
everything we write down and asking ourselves if it's true or not. We'll need to
be courageous enough to face our fear and walk through it. Last, but not least,
our faith and trust will carry us through when we're facing a difficult moment
and feel like giving up.
==> How is my decision to work Step Four a demonstration of courage? Trust?
Faith? Honesty? Willingness?
The inventory
Get a notebook or whatever means of recording your inventory you and your
sponsor have agreed is acceptable. Get comfortable. Remove any distractions from
the place where you plan to work on your inventory. Pray for the ability to be
searching, fearless, and thorough. Don't forget to stay in touch with your
sponsor throughout this process. Finally, feel free to go beyond what's asked in
the following questions. Anything you think of is inventory material.
Resentments
We have resentments when we re-feel old feelings, when we are unable to let go,
when we cannot forgive and forget something that has upset us. We list our
resentments in the Fourth Step for a number of reasons. First, doing so will
help us let go of old anger that is affecting our lives today. Second, exploring
our resentments will help us identify the ways in which we set ourselves up to
be disappointed in others, especially when our expectations were too high.
Finally, making a list of our resentments will reveal patterns that kept us
trapped in a cycle of anger, or self-pity, or both.
==> What people do I resent? Explain the situations that led to the
resentment.
==> What institutions (school, government, religious, correctional, civic) do
I resent? Explain the situations that led to the resentment.
==> What was my motivation, or what did I believe, that led me to act as I
did in these situations?
==> How has my dishonesty contributed to my resentments?
==> How has my inability or unwillingness to experience certain feelings led
me to develop resentments?
==> How has my behavior contributed to my resentments?
==> Am I afraid of looking at my part in the situations that caused my
resentments? Why?
==> How have my resentments affected my relationships with myself, with
others, and with a Higher Power?
==> What recurring themes do I notice in my resentments?
Feelings
We want to examine our feelings for much the same reason that we want to examine
our resentments: It will help us discover our part in our own lives. In
addition, most of us have forgotten how to feel by the time we get clean. Even
if we've been around awhile, we're still uncovering new information about the
ways we've shut down our feelings.
==> How do I identify my individual feelings?
==> What feelings do I have the most trouble allowing myself to feel?
==> Why have I tried to shut off my feelings?
==> What means have I used to deny how I really felt?
==> Who or what triggered a feeling? What was the feeling? What were the
situations? What was my part in each situation?
==> What was my motivation, or what did I believe, that led me to act as I
did in these situations?
==> What do I do with my feelings once I've identified them?
Guilt, shame
There are actually two types of guilt or shame: one real, one imagined. The
first grows directly out of our conscience-we feel guilty because we've done
something that goes against our principles, or we harmed someone and feel shame
over it. Imagined guilt results from any number of situations that are not our
fault, situations we had no part in creating. We need to look at our guilt and
shame so that we can separate these situations. We need to own what is truly
ours and let go of what is not.
==> Who or what do I feel guilty or ashamed about? Explain the situations
that led to these feelings.
==> Which of these situations have caused me to feel shame, though I had no
part in creating them?
==> In the situations I did have a part in, what was my motivation, or what
did I believe, that led me to act as I did?
==> How has my behavior contributed to my guilt and shame?
Fear
If we could look at the disease of addiction stripped of its primary symptoms -
that is, apart from drug use or other compulsive behavior - and without its most
obvious characteristics, we would find a swamp of self-centered fear. We're
afraid of being hurt, or maybe of just having to feel too intensely, so we live
a sort of half-life, going through the motions of living but never being fully
alive. We're afraid of everything that might make us feel, so we isolate and
withdraw. We're afraid that people won't like us, so we use drugs to be more
comfortable with ourselves. We're afraid we'll get caught at something and have
to pay a price, so we lie or cheat or hurt others to protect ourselves. We're
afraid of being alone, so we use and exploit others to avoid feeling lonely or
rejected or abandoned. We're afraid we won't have enough-of anything - so we
selfishly pursue what we want, not caring about the harm we cause in the
process. Sometimes, if we've gained things we care about in recovery, we're
afraid we'll lose what we have, and so we begin compromising our principles to
protect it. Self-centered, self-seeking fear-we need to uproot it so it no
longer has the power to destroy.
==> Who or what do I fear? Why?
==> What have I done to cover my fear?
==> How have I responded negatively or destructively to my fear?
==> What do I most fear looking at and exposing about myself? What do I think
will happen if I do?
==> How have I cheated myself because of my fear?
Relationships
We need to write about our relationships in the Fourth Step - all of our
relationships, not just the romantic ones - so that we can find out where our
choices, beliefs, and behaviors have resulted in unhealthy or destructive
relationships. We need to look at our relationships with relatives, spouses or
partners, friends and former friends, co-workers and former co-workers,
neighbors, people from school, people from clubs and civic organizations and the
organizations themselves, authority figures such as the police, institutions,
and anyone or anything else we can possibly think of. We should also examine our
relationship with a Higher Power. We may be tempted to skip the relationships
that didn't last long-a one-night sexual involvement, for instance, or perhaps
an argument with a teacher whose class we then dropped. But these relationships
are important, too. If we think of it or have feelings about it, it's inventory
material.
==> What conflicts in my personality make it difficult for me to maintain
friendships and/or romantic relationships?
==> How has my fear of being hurt affected my friendships and romantic
relationships?
==> How have I sacrificed platonic friendships in favor of romantic
relationships?
==> In what ways did I compulsively seek relationships?
==> In my relationships with family, do I sometimes feel as though we're
locked into repeating the same patterns over and over without any hope of
change? What are those patterns? What is my part in perpetuating them?
==> How have I avoided intimacy with my friends, partners or spouses, and
family?
==> Have I had problems making commitments? Describe.
==> Have I ever destroyed a relationship because I believed I was going to
get hurt anyway so I should get out before that could happen? Describe.
==> To what degree do I consider the feelings of others in my relationships?
Equal to my own? More important than my own? Of minor importance? Not at all?
==> Have I felt like a victim in any of my relationships? (Note: This
question is focused on uncovering how we set ourselves up to be victims or how
too-high expectations contributed to our being disappointed in people, not on
listing instances where we were actually abused.) Describe.
==> What have my relationships with my neighbors been like? Do I notice any
patterns appearing that carried through no matter where I lived?
==> How do I feel about the people with and for whom I've worked? How have my
thinking, beliefs, and behavior caused problems for me at work?
==> How do I feel about the people I went to school with (both in childhood
and currently)? Did I feel less than or better than the other students? Did I
believe I had to compete for attention from the instructor? Did I respect
authority figures or rebel against them?
==> Have I ever joined any clubs or membership organizations? (Hint: NA is a
membership organization.) How did I feel about the other people in the club or
organization? Have I made friends in these organizations? Have I joined clubs
with high expectations, only to quit in a short time? What were my expectations,
and why weren't they fulfilled? What was my part in these situations?
==> Have I ever been in a mental hospital or prison or otherwise been held
against my will? What effect has that had on my personality? What were my
interactions with the authorities like? Did I follow the rules? Did I ever break
the rules and then resent the authorities when I got caught?
==> Did early experiences with trust and intimacy hurt me and cause me to
withdraw? Describe.
==> Have I ever let a relationship go even when the potential existed to
resolve conflicts and work through problems? Why?
==> Did I become a different person depending on who I was around? Describe.
==> Have I discovered things about my personality (perhaps in previous
inventories) that I didn't like, and then found myself overcompensating for that
behavior? (For instance, we may have uncovered a pattern of immature dependence
on others and then overcompensated for this by becoming overly self-sufficient.)
Describe.
==> What defects are most often at play in my relationships (dishonesty,
selfishness, control, manipulation, etc.)?
==> How can I change my behavior so that I can begin having healthy
relationships?
==> Have I had any kind of a relationship with a Higher Power? How has this
changed in my lifetime? What kind of a relationship do I have with my Higher
Power now?
Sex
This is a very uncomfortable area for most of us. In fact, we may be tempted to
stop here, thinking, "Okay, this has gone far enough! There's no way I'm
cataloging my sexual behavior!" But we have to get over such unwillingness
quickly. Thinking about the reason why we need to do this should help. As it
says in It Works: How and Why, "We want to be at peace with our own
sexuality." That's why we need to include our sexual beliefs and behaviors
in our inventories. It's important to remind ourselves at this point that we are
not taking our inventory to compare ourselves with what we think is
"normal" for others, but only to identify our own values, principles,
and morals.
==> How was my sexual behavior based in selfishness?
==> Have I confused sex with love? What were the results of acting on that
confusion?
==> How have I used sex to try to avoid loneliness or fill a spiritual void?
==> In what ways did I compulsively seek or avoid sex?
==> Have any of my sexual practices left me feeling ashamed and guilty? What
were they? Why did I feel that way?
==> Have any of my sexual practices hurt myself or others?
==> Am I comfortable with my sexuality? If not, why not?
==> Am I comfortable with others' sexuality? If not, why not?
==> Is sex a prerequisite in all or most of my relationships?
==> What does a healthy relationship mean to me?
Abuse
We must exercise extreme caution before beginning this section. In fact, we may
need to postpone this section to a later time in our recovery. We should utilize
all the resources at hand to make the decision about whether to begin this
section now: our own sense of whether or not we're ready to withstand the pain
this work will cause us, discussion with our sponsor, and prayer. Perhaps our
sponsor will be able to help us through this, or we may need to seek additional
help.
If we do decide to go ahead with this section, we should be aware that working
on this area of our Fourth Step will probably be the most painful work we'll do
in recovery. Recording the times when we were neglected or hurt by the people
who were supposed to love and protect us is certain to cause some of the most
painful feelings we will ever have to go through. It is important to do so when
we re ready, however. As long as we keep the pain wrapped up inside us, a
secret, it may be causing us to act in ways we don't want, or it can contribute
to a negative self-image or other destructive beliefs. Getting the truth out
begins a process that can lead to the relief of our pain. We were not to blame.
==> Have I ever been abused? By whom? What feelings did I or do I now have
about it?
==> Has being abused affected my relationships with others? How?
==> If I have felt victimized for much of life because of being abused in
childhood, what steps can I take to be restored to spiritual wholeness? Can my
Higher Power help? How?
It is also possible that we have physically, mentally, or verbally abused
others. Recounting these times is bound to cause us to feel a great deal of
shame. We cannot afford to let that shame become despair. It is important that
we face our behavior, accept responsibility for it, and work to change it.
Writing about it here is the first step toward doing that. Working the rest of
the steps will help us make amends for what we've done to others.
==> Have I ever abused anyone? Who and how?
==> What was I feeling and thinking right before I caused the harm?
==> Did I blame my victim or make excuses for my behavior? Describe.
==> Do I trust my Higher Power to work in my life and provide me with what I
need so I don't have to harm anyone again? Am I willing to live with the painful
feelings until they are changed through working the steps?
Assets
Most of the preceding questions have been directed at helping us identify the
exact nature of our wrongs1 information we'll need for the Fifth Step. It's also
important that we take a look at things that we've done right or that have had a
positive impact on ourselves and others. We want to do this for a couple of
reasons. First, we want to have a complete picture of ourselves from working the
Fourth Step, not a one-sided picture. Second, we want to know what character
traits and behaviors we want more of in our lives.
==> What qualities do I have that I like? That others like? That work well
for me? How have I shown concern for myself and others?
==> Which spiritual principles am I practicing in my life? How has doing so
changed my life?
==> How has my faith and trust in a Higher Power grown?
==> What is my relationship with my sponsor based on? How do I see that
positive experience translating into other relationships?
==> What goals have I accomplished? Do I have other goals I am taking action
to reach? What are they, and what action am I taking?
==> What are my values? Which ones am I committed to living by, and how?
==> How am I showing my gratitude for my recovery?
Secrets
Before we finish this Fourth Step, we should stop and reflect: Is there anything
we've missed, either intentionally or not? Is there something we think is so bad
that we just can't possibly include it in our inventory? If so, we should be
reassured by the fact that a multitude of NA members have worked this step, and
there has never yet been a situation in anyone's Fourth Step that was so unique
that we had to create a new term to describe it. Keeping secrets is threatening
to our recovery. As long as we are keeping a secret, we are actually building a
reservation in our program.
==> Are there any secrets that I haven't written about yet? What are they?
Another question we should ask ourselves now is, is there anything in this
inventory that is either an exaggeration of what actually happened or something
that's not true at all? Almost all of us came to NA and had trouble separating
fact from fiction in our own lives. Most of us had accumulated "war
stories" that were so embroidered, they may have contained only a fraction
of truth. We made them up because we wanted to impress people. We didn't think
we had anything to feel good about that was true, so we made up lies in an
attempt to build ourselves up. But we don't have to do that anymore. We're
building true self-worth in the process of working Step Four, not false
self-worth based on some phony image. Now is the time to tell the truth about
ourselves.
==> Is there anything in this inventory that isn't true, or are there any
stories I've told over and over again that aren't true?
Moving on
Finishing a Fourth Step is many things - maybe a letdown, maybe exhilarating,
maybe uncomfortable. However we feel otherwise, we should definitely feel good
about what we've accomplished. The work we've done in this step will provide the
foundation for the work we'll do in Steps Five through Nine. Now is the time to
contact our sponsor and make arrangements to work Step Five.