Step Three
"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God
as we understood Him."
We've worked Steps One and Two with our sponsor-we've surrendered, and we've
demonstrated our willingness to try something new. This has charged us with a
strong sense of hope. But if we do not translate our hope into action right now,
it will fade away, and we'll end up right back where we started. The action we
need to take is working Step Three.
The central action in Step Three is a decision. The idea of making that decision
may terrify us, especially when we look at what we're deciding to do in this
step. Making a decision, any decision, is something most of us haven't done in a
long time. We've had our decisions made for us-by our addiction, by the
authorities, or just by default because we didn't want the responsibility of
deciding anything for ourselves. When we add to this the concept of entrusting
the care of our will and our lives to something that most of us don't understand
at this point, we may just think this whole thing is beyond us and start looking
for a shortcut or an easier way to work our programs. These thoughts are
dangerous, for when we take shortcuts in our program, we short circuit our
recovery.
The Third Step decision may be too big to make in one leap. Our fears of the
Third Step, and the dangerous thinking to which those fears lead, can be eased
by breaking this step down into a series of smaller, separate hurdles. The Third
Step is just one more piece of the path of recovery from our addiction. Making
the Third Step decision doesn't necessarily mean that we must suddenly,
completely change everything about the way we live our lives. Fundamental
changes in our lives happen gradually as we work on our recovery, and all such
changes require our participation. We don't have to be afraid that this step
will do something to us that we're not ready for or won't like.
It is significant that this step suggests we turn our will and our lives over to
the care of the God of our understanding. These words are particularly
important. By working the Third Step, we are allowing someone or something to
care for us, not control us or conduct our lives for us. This step does not
suggest that we become mindless robots with no ability to live our own lives,
nor does it allow those of us who find such irresponsibility attractive to
indulge such an urge. Instead, we are making a simple decision to change
direction, to stop rebelling at the natural and logical flow of events in our
lives, to stop wearing ourselves out trying to make everything happen as if we
were in charge of the world. We are accepting that a Power greater than
ourselves will do a better job of caring for our will and our lives than we
have. We are furthering the spiritual process of recovery by beginning to
explore what we understand the word "God" to mean to us as
individuals.
In this step, each one of us will have to come to some conclusions about what we
think "Cod" means. Our understanding doesn't have to be complex or
complete. It doesn't have to be like anyone else's. We may discover that we're
very sure what God isn't for us, but not what God is, and that's okay. The only
thing that is essential is that we begin a search that will allow us to further
our understanding as our recovery continues. Our concept of God will grow as we
grow in our recovery. Working the Third Step will help us discover what works
best for us.
Making a decision
As we've already discussed, many of us may find ourselves unnerved by the
thought of making a big decision. We may feel intimidated or overwhelmed. We may
fear the results or the implied commitment. We may think it's a once-and-for-all
action and fear that we won't do it right or have the opportunity to do it over
again. However, the decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of the
God of our understanding is one we can make over and over again daily if need
be. In fact, we're likely to find that we must make this decision regularly, or
risk losing our recovery because of complacency.
It is essential that we involve our hearts and spirits in this decision. Though
the word "decision" sounds like something that takes place mostly in
the mind, we need to do the work necessary to go beyond an intellectual
understanding and internalize this choice.
==> Why is making a decision central to working this step?
==> Can I make this decision just for today? Do I have any fears or
reservations about it? What are they?
We need to realize that making a decision without following it up with action is
meaningless. For example, we can decide one morning to go somewhere and then sit
down and not leave our homes for the rest of that day. Doing so would render our
earlier decision meaningless, no more significant than any random thought we may
have.
==> What action have I taken to follow through on my decision?
==> What areas of my life are difficult for me to turn over? Why is it
important that I turn them over anyway?
Self-will
Step Three is critical because we've acted on self-will for so long, abusing our
right to make choices and decisions. So what exactly is self-will? Sometimes
it's total withdrawal and isolation. We end up living a very lonely and
self-absorbed existence. Sometimes self-will causes us to act to the exclusion
of any considerations other than what we want. We ignore the needs and feelings
of others. We barrel through, stampeding over anyone who questions our right to
do whatever we want. We become tornadoes, whipping through the lives of family,
friends, and even strangers, totally unconscious of the path of destruction we
have left behind. If circumstances aren't to our liking, we try to change them
by any means necessary to achieve our aims. We try to get our way at all costs.
We are so busy aggressively pursuing our impulses that we completely lose touch
with our conscience and with a Higher Power. To work this step, each one of us
needs to identify the ways in which we have acted on self-will.
==> How have I acted on self-will? What were my motives?
==> How has acting on self-will affected my life? How has my self-will
affected others?
Surrendering our self-will doesn't mean we can't pursue goals or try to make
changes in our
lives and the world. It doesn't mean we have to passively accept injustices to
ourselves or to
people for whom we're responsible. We need to differentiate between destructive
self-will and constructive action.
==> Will pursuing my goals harm anyone? How?
==> In the pursuit of what I want, is it likely that I will end up doing
something that adversely affects myself or others? Explain.
==> Will I have to compromise any of my principles to achieve this goal? (For
example: Will I have to be dishonest? Cruel? Disloyal?)
If we are new in the program and just beginning to work Step Three, we will
probably end up wondering what God's will is for us, thinking that the step asks
us to find this out. Actually, we don't formally focus our attention on seeking
knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us until the Eleventh Step, but we do
begin the process that will lead us to that point in Step Three.
God's will for us is something we will gradually come to know as we work the
steps. At this point we can come to some very simple conclusions about our
Higher Power's will for us that will serve us well for the time being. It is our
Higher Power's will for us to stay clean. It is our Higher Power's will for us
to do things that will help us stay clean, such as going to meetings and talking
to our sponsor regularly.
==> Describe the times when my will hasn't been enough. (For example, I
couldn't stay clean on my own will.)
==> What is the difference between my will and God's will?
At some point in our recovery, we may find that we have somehow shifted from
trying to align our will with a Higher Power's to running on self-will. This
happens so slowly and subtly that we hardly even notice. It seems as though
we're especially vulnerable to self-will when things are going well. We cross
the fine line that divides humble and honest pursuit of goals from subtle
manipulation and forced results. We find ourselves going just a little too far
in a discussion to convince someone that we are right. We find ourselves holding
on to something just a little too long. We suddenly realize that we haven't
contacted our sponsor in quite a while. We feel a quiet, almost subconscious
discomfort that will alert us to this subtle shift away from recovery - if we
listen.
==> Have there been times in my recovery when I've found myself subtly taking
back my will and my life? What alerted me? What have I done to recommit myself
to the Third Step?
The God of our understanding
Before we delve deeply into the process of turning our will and our lives over
to the care of the God of our understanding, we should work on overcoming any
negative beliefs or unproductive preconceptions we may have about the word
"God."
==> Does the word "God," or even the concept itself, make me
uncomfortable? What is the source of my discomfort?
==> Have I ever believed that God caused horrible things to happen to me or
was punishing me? What were those things?
Our Basic Text suggests that we choose an understanding of our Higher Power that
is loving and caring and greater than ourselves. These simple guidelines can
encompass as many understandings of God as there are NA members. They don't
exclude anyone. If we understand the word "God" to mean the Power of
the program, these guidelines fit. If we understand the word "God" to
mean the spiritual principles of the program, these guidelines fit. If we
understand the word "God" to mean a personal power or being with which
we can communicate, these guidelines fit. It is essential that we begin
exploring and developing our understanding. Our sponsor can help immeasurably in
this process.
==> What is my understanding of a Power greater than myself today? How is my
Higher Power working in my life?
As important as it is to figure out what our Higher Power is to us, it is more
important that we develop a relationship with whatever we understand that Power
to be. We can do this in a variety of ways. First, we need to somehow
communicate with our Higher Power. Some of us call this prayer, and some call it
other things. This communication does not have to be formal, or even verbal.
Second, we need to be open to communication from our Higher Power. This may be
done by paying attention to how we feel, our reactions, and what is going on
inside and around us. Or we may have a personal routine that helps us connect
with a Power greater than ourselves. It may be that our Higher Power speaks to
us or helps us see the right thing to do through our fellow NA members.
Third, we need to allow ourselves to have feelings about the God of our
understanding. We may get angry. We may feel love. We may feel frightened. We
may feel grateful. It's okay to share the entire range of human emotion with our
Higher Power. This allows us to feel closer to the Power upon which we rely and
helps develop our trust in that Power.
How do I communicate with my Higher Power?
==> How does my Higher Power communicate with me? What feelings do I have
about my Higher Power?
As many of us stay clean for some time, we work on developing an understanding
of God for ourselves. Our growing understanding reflects our experiences. We
mature into an understanding of God that gives us peace and serenity. We trust
our Higher Power and are optimistic about life. We begin to feel that our lives
are touched by something beyond our comprehension, and we are glad and grateful
that this is so.
Then something happens that challenges everything we believe about our Higher
Power or makes us doubt the existence of that Power altogether. It may be a
death, or an injustice, or a loss. Whatever it is, it leaves us feeling as
though we've been kicked in the stomach. We just can't understand it.
Times like these are when we need our Higher Power the most, though we probably
find ourselves instinctively drawing away. Our understanding of a Higher Power
is about to undergo a dramatic change. We need to keep reaching out to our
Higher Power, asking for acceptance if not understanding. We need to ask for
strength to go on. Eventually we will reestablish our relationship with our
Higher Power, although probably on different terms.
==> Am I struggling with changing beliefs about the nature of my Higher
Power? Describe.
==> Is my current concept of a Higher Power still working? How might it need
to change?
As our understanding of a Higher Power grows and evolves, we'll find that we
react differently to what goes on in our lives. We may find ourselves able to
courageously face situations that used to strike fear in our hearts. We may deal
with frustrations more gracefully. We may find ourselves able to pause and think
about a situation before acting. We'll probably be calmer, less compulsive, and
more able to see beyond the immediacy of the moment.
Turning it over
The order in which we prepare to surrender our will and our lives to the care of
the God of our understanding is significant. Many of us have found that we
actually follow the order in the step: First, we turn over our will; then,
gradually, we turn over our lives. It seems that it's easier for us to grasp the
destructive nature of our self-will and see that it must be surrendered;
consequently, it's usually the first to go. Harder for us to grasp is the need
to turn over our lives and the process of that surrender.
For us to be comfortable with allowing our Higher Power to care for our lives,
we will have to develop some trust. We may have no trouble turning over our
addiction, but want to remain in control of the rest of our lives. We may trust
our Higher Power to care for our work lives, but not our relationships. We may
trust our Higher Power to care for our partners1 but not our children. We may
trust our Higher Power with our safety, but not our finances. Many of us have
trouble letting go completely. We think we trust our Higher Power with certain
areas of our lives, but immediately take back control the first time we get
scared or things aren't going the way we think they should. It's necessary for
us to examine our progress in turning it over.
==> What does "to the care of" mean to me?
==> What does it mean for me to turn my will and my life over to the care of
the God of my understanding?
==> How might my life be changed if I make the decision to turn it over to my
Higher Power's care?
==> How do I allow my Higher Power to work in my life?
==> How does my Higher Power care for my will and my life?
==> Have there been times when I have been unable to let go and trust God to
care for the outcome of a particular situation? Describe.
==> Have there been times when I have been able to let go and trust God for
the outcome? Describe.
To turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power, we must
take some kind of action. Many of us find that it works best for us to make some
formal declaration on a regular basis. We may want to use the following quote
from our Basic Text: "Take my will and my life. Guide me in my recovery.
Show me how to live." This seems to capture the essence of Step Three for
many of us. However, we can certainly feel free to find our own words, or to
find a more informal way of taking action. Many of us believe that every day we
abstain from using, or take suggestions from our sponsor, we are taking
practical action on our decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of
our Higher Power.
==> How do I take action to turn it over? Are there any words I say
regularly? What are they?
Spiritual principles
In considering the spiritual principles intrinsic to Step Three, we will focus
first on surrender and willingness. Then we will look at how hope translates
into faith and trust. Finally, we will see how the principle of commitment is
fled to the Third Step.
Practicing the principle of surrender is easy for us when everything is going
along as we'd like-we think. Actually, when things are going smoothly, it's more
likely that we are being lulled into a belief that we're in charge, which
doesn't require much "surrender." Keeping the principle of surrender
to the care of the God of our understanding alive in our spirits is essential,
even when things are going well.
==> What am I doing to reinforce my decision to allow my Higher Power to care
for my will and my life?
==> How does the Third Step allow me to build on the surrender I've developed
in Steps One and Two?
We usually feel most willing immediately following a surrender. Willingness
often comes in the wake of despair or a struggle for control. We can practice
the principle of willingness, though, before it becomes necessary and possibly
save ourselves some pain.
==> In what ways have I demonstrated willingness in my recovery so far?
==> Am I fighting anything in my recovery? What do I think would happen if I
became willing to let recovery prevail in that area of my life?
There is a spiritual progression from hope to faith to trust in the Third Step.
As we begin Step Three, we carry with us the sense of hope that was born in us
as we worked the Second Step. Hope springs from the knowledge that our life is
full of possibilities - there are no hard certainties yet, just the first
whispers of anticipation that we just may be able to fulfill our heart's deepest
desires. Lingering doubts fade as hope becomes faith. Faith propels us forward
into action; we actually do the work that those we have faith in are telling us
is necessary if we are to achieve what we want. In the Third Step, faith gives
us the capacity to actually make a decision and carry that decision into action.
Trust comes into play after faith has been applied. We have probably made
significant progress toward fulfilling our goals; now we have evidence that we
can influence the course of our lives through taking positive action.
==> How have hope, faith, and trust become positive forces in my life?
==> What further action can I take to apply the principles of hope, faith,
and trust in my recovery?
==> What evidence do I have that I can trust confidently in my recovery?
The principle of commitment is the culmination of the spiritual process of Step
Three. Making the decision to "turn it over," over and over again,
even when our decision doesn't seem to be having any positive effect, is what
this step is all about. We can practice the spiritual principle of commitment by
reaffirming our decision on a regular basis and by continuing to take action
that gives our decision substance and meaning-for instance, working the rest of
the steps.
==> What have I done recently that demonstrates my commitment to recovery and
to working a program? (For example: Have I taken a service position in NA? Have
I agreed to sponsor another recovering addict? Have I continued to go to
meetings no matter what I was feeling about them? Have I continued to work with
my sponsor even after he or she told me an unpleasant truth or gave me some
direction I didn't want to follow? Did I follow that direction?)
Moving on
As we get ready to go on to Step Four, we'll want to take a look at what we've
gained by working Step Three. Writing about our understanding of each step as we
prepare to move on helps us internalize the spiritual principles connected to
it.
==> Do I have any reservations about my decision to turn my will and my life
over to God's care?
==> Do I feel that I am now ready to turn it over?
==> How does my surrender in the First Step help me in the Third Step?
==> What action do I plan to take to follow through on my decision? How does
working the remainder of the steps fit into this?
We wind up our work on Step Three with an increase in our level of freedom. If
we've been thorough with this step, we're profoundly relieved to realize that
the world will go along just fine without our intervention. The responsibility
of running everything is a huge burden, and we're happy to lay it down. We may
feel comforted that a loving God is caring for our will and our lives, letting
us know in subtle ways that the path we're on is the right one. We've seen our
old ideas for what they were, and we're willing to let go of them and allow
change to happen in our lives. We may even find that we're willing to take some
risks we never had the courage to take before, because we're secure in the
knowledge of our Higher Power's care for us.
Some people pause before making major decisions and ground themselves in their
own spirituality. We look to the source of our strength, invite our Higher Power
to work in our lives, and move forward once we're sure we're on the right track.
Now we need to take another step along the path of recovery, a step that makes
our Third Step decision real. It's time to make a searching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves.