Raman
My name is Raman and I am an addict. I came into NA as a coincidence, which being me reading the “Basic Text” while I was in a treatment centre. I had a long run with all sort of drugs and was really sick and tired of it all. I had many good times with drugs but as I graduated from one drug to another, I was going insane !!! I remember the first bad scene I had, I was drinking and hashing away to glory in Goa. This was December and I was playing music, getting good money and blowing it up and having a very good time. The world seemed perfect with all the drugs, girls, music and money around!!! Then when the contract got over my band went back but i decided to stay and had a blown out time till all my money ran out. Then the ugly side of my addiction became apparent. I made friends with a much elder woman from abroad and had lot of good time and drugs with her. Then I demanded she spend more and when she wouldn’t I left in a huff and began selling some drugs. That carried me along for some more time!! Then one night the cops questioned me, I was afraid. When they did not get any proper answers they took me to the cop station and trashed the hell out of me. They wanted to know who my boss was, why they did not get their share etc. I had no answer to that, imagine a sort of innocent 19 year old musician getting into that. I was too artistic to know all that!! When I got desperate and screamed "Kill me, let’s see", suddenly they let me go. This incident hurt as hell for a long time and was a wonderful excuse to keep using, it helped me to cope with the shame. When things got worse at home they decided I need to seek help and I went into a detoxification centre in a major hospitals psychiatric ward. It was a lot of pain and confusion, but later I was discharged. Sometime later at home I relapsed & was back to the drug of my choice. My legs began to get infected with sores that kept increasing and finally covered both my legs from knee to ankle. Life had become one hell of a mess. All the time I was thinking how nice it was when i first began using and how good the trips were and how great the music and friends were. I had done great tour of India and was on the verge of going to New York to study music, but when addiction gets you it does so completely. I was totally into getting and using and finding ways and means to get more and use more. The police raids on dens as well as my increasing usage made me study chemistry books in order to learn how to make drugs and I was in fact ready to go to Afghanistan or Sri Lanka and spend time with terrorists to learn it !!! By this time I was 26 with no ambitions left, having been in hospital two times already without the slightest clue about how to manage my life. I wanted to do something, by that time naturally all friends disappeared, I was a complete loner. I wanted some way out! And the irony of it all is, a using woman gave me a rehab’s number. My decision to really do something about quitting came after my uncle died of overdose and me having a near death experience one night when I was high. There I was, nodding on a chair and listening to jazz on the radio and suddenly my soul left my body…. went to the ceiling.… looked down at me and said in a silent voice "'You are going to die'" I believe now, that’s when I got the message first, later I got the NA message when I was reading the Basic Text in the rehab. I loved the way my behavior was explained, what I needed to do to recover and then as I began reading the personal stories of recovering members I got a distinct feeling of belonging. I remember I thought "Hey that’s just like me, where did I meet these guys before?" Isn’t that what we call empathy, the wordless language of recognition and belonging? So when I came out of the rehab, there was no NA but I went to meetings of another 12 Step Fellowship, where I found many people recovering from their other addictions. As I heard these people share and care for each other, I would think "'How nice it would be to be in a roomful of recovering addict’s talk of Narcotics Anonymous?" At that time I was really willing to make the effort to get what they had. I had stopped playing music for some time to get away from old playgrounds, I had stopped meeting old playmates, and my house was clean of any paraphernalia. I wanted to make contact with others, so I wrote to NA WSO and they sent me literature and a wonderful publication called "Meeting By Mail". You can imagine my joy and relief when I read the sharing’s in the "Meeting By Mail", that’s when I decided I wanted to be a member of MBM and Loner Group. Many years later I’m still a member of Loner Group, and still do Meetings By Mail. In those days of snail mail, way back in the 80s, it became the high point of my day to get a mail from others in Loner group, that’s my first real encounter of one to one with another addict recovering the NA WAY. I still remember with gratitude, my many exchanges with another loner and his insights. I still remember him encouraging more contact with Loner Groupers as well as a parallel effort to start meetings in Bangalore. I remember the day when the post office said to come collect a parcel, "Big Parcel" they said, which turned out to be a big bundle of NA Literature. I also remember the accompanying letter of encouragement from them when I was reading it I thought "Oh for God’s sake, these guy’s believe in me" Thereon it was working by myself at first and then with others to carry the NA Message. We stared meetings here with few others I met in the other fellowship. We all felt that more addicts will find recovery only if we had regularly scheduled meetings of Narcotics Anonymous. So we got one going, at first informally, then we had recovering addicts passing through our town, passing on a message to us and then we finally began the Reality Group. Though the distinction of being the first NA Group in Bangalore city goes to the International Hope Group, the Reality Group is now the oldest amongst six other groups. I was selected to serve in various positions as GSR, ASR, and Chairperson as well as in other Subcommittees, which I do till this day. I also got married and was well settled in an antiques trade. I had a nice family life going and was very gratified by the birth of our daughter, an NA baby; I was at peace with my parents and society at large when I suddenly decided I wanted to go back to music. For ten years in my recovery, I had looked towards working the 12 Steps with a sponsor, doing NA service work and being the best recovering addict I can be. It was all there but the music was still missing in my life, and that’s when my sponsor of that time encouraged me to get back into music, with the Principles of Recovery being the primary focus, no matter what. You see I had done an extensive Fourth Step, done a complete Fifth and did all the amends I could. One way of making amends to my mother was to help her by being a partner in her child day care centre, wherein I was successful. Amends to my father primarily came when I stopped shouting at him and abusing him like I did in the past. My father and I then shared many serene moments and I could sense my father’s happiness and gratitude at the way I was doing. There have been a few setbacks in recovery, but Gods always been greater than any problem I have and the Power of NA has been saving me from all sorts of situations. Today I’m back to my profession of music and events and am really enjoying performance as never before. I am a loving parent to my darling daughter who I bring up as a single parent. My father is dead; I am a loving and caring son to my mother. The last time I went to a treatment centre I remember my mother saying "I want nothing but for you to be restored to humanness", I think that has happened. My service in NA is looking up at an unofficial level and I have a new habit, driving newer members to NA Conventions, the one to Nepal was way out. I imagine me and another member driving to Nepal and back, man that’s going to be in my mind for the rest of my life!!! My sponsor is still guiding me; my sponsee’s are a great lot too!! Recently along with a few other NA members, I went to Mangalore to help them start NA meetings there. I was elected to responsible positions in NA Service and have done it honestly!!! Can’t imagine an addict like me not only being clean this long but also being a responsible and productive member of society!!! All in all, I live to love and love to live the NA Way, Just for Today and for always!!! God Bless Us All In Our Recovery. Hugs, Raman
