Tahir
Hope for the Hopeless I’m a grateful recovering addict and my name is Tahir. I started using drugs in 1989 when I was 15 and my recovery started on May 27, 2004. The first problems that I encountered because of my using were physical, where I started losing my weight fast, would fall ill with malaria every now and then, and suffered from chronic epilepsy. That was the first time the thought “Could it be the drugs?” entered my mind… Then I started losing out on my educational pursuits, in spite of being a topper and being constantly touted by teachers and family as a genius in the making… After a few years of using, I was not able to sit in lectures, and was not able to even show up for my exams… Could not complete any of my professional courses… When I faced failure thus, again the question popped up in my head, “Could it be the drugs”… At home, I lived in alienation and isolation. I would seldom talk with my parents or siblings… I would remain inside my room for days together… At one point, I lost touch with others at my home… they all seemed alien and strangers to me… I became a social recluse… an outcast and a rebel… it was very common for people to find me running on the roads every now and then with the cops not far behind me… my thoughts were completely warped… I lost the capacity to differentiate between reality and illusion. I constantly switched between the two worlds not knowing which one was real and which one was an imagination… I stopped feeling any emotions… Be it a death or a marriage, I did not know how to react… my reaction was the same… completely numb… I started experiencing extreme episodes of mania and depression, was diagnosed for Bipolar Disorder and was under psychiatric medication for 5 years. I spent my last few months of using on the gutters, fixing with dirty, used needles that I picked up from the using joints… All this pushed me to such a point of deep despair and unbearable pain that I was just not able to live, whether using or not using. But I realized that the pain of not using seemed much more bearable than the pain of using… that’s how staying clean started appealing to me in the beginning… I got the message of NA from my Counselor at the treatment center much earlier but never really gave much thought towards her suggestion, until I relapsed each time after my first two treatments. My first 12-step meeting was in the other fellowship that was run by a recovering addict. He gifted me a Basic Text (the “Baby Blue” home group copy) and a bunch of NA IP's and suggested that I also attend NA meetings. But very soon I got lost in using once again, until that unforgettable day in 1999 when I truly came face-to-face with my powerlessness. At the time I walked into my first NA meeting at a group called “Miracle In Marina” in my hometown Chennai, I had just been discharged from a detox and 28-day treatment program for the 6th time in that year. I had relapsed the same afternoon of my day of discharge, inspite of my sincere and honest intention and decision to never use again. It shook me so hard that I could actually end up using against my will. I was face-to-face with my powerlessness for the first time then… I remember each and every moment of that first NA meeting. Those smiling faces, warm welcome hugs, the delight in their eyes that I’m there at a NA meeting… I clearly remember that feeling of peace that enveloped me within 10 minutes of being in that meeting. I had no doubts in my mind and heart then and there that this is the place that can turn my despair into hope. The chairperson asked me if I wanted to share with them at the end of the meeting inspite of knowing that I had used that day. Merely sharing those few words with my new friends made the big difference for me. I’m still grateful to those members who let me share at that meeting. I remember telling myself when I was heading home after that meeting that if I keep going to these NA meetings, one day, I would be able to stay clean FOR A DAY! However, I was yet not fully aware of the cunning and baffling nature of my addiction. As a result, I went through another 4 years of hell, on and off using, losing out on that hard-earned few days, weeks or months clean through many relapses… Only one thing kept me going; my parents and my counselors, the NA meetings and the loving members… They gave me hope when I was hopeless… When I relapsed last in May 2004 after staying clean for 7 months for the third consecutive time, I went into a state of shock. I just did not understand what went wrong and where. I had made a meeting every single day of those 7 months, was literally fellowshipping 24x7 with other members, reading a lot of NA literature and involving myself in service at my homegroup, yet I relapsed again… When I called another member to share about it, I asked him how I could have relapsed inspite of doing everything right, and the answer I got from him changed my whole life from then on; he answered back only one thing “The Steps, Tahir, The Steps”… After having stopped using again with the help of the meetings and a few members, my search for a Sponsor who could guide me through the steps started. I searched and searched but could not find a member who could guide me through the steps in my hometown. I did not give up my search but. I took a visiting NA member as my Sponsor and started working the Steps. So grateful that I did that, as I never had to relapse again till this day. Today, I am not just clean, I AM IN RECOVERY! I apply the 12 Steps to the best of my ability in my daily life, in all areas of my life. I continue to experience the universal truth of our literature that the Steps ARE the principles that make our recovery possible. I am able to recognize and accept my powerlessness and unmanageability over my addiction, over other people, over situations… what a freedom this has been… I’m able to open my mind to the fact that there is a loving and caring intention of my Higher Power behind my being powerless, trust my Higher Power on this fact and surrender. Today, I’m grateful that I have an ability to honestly look at my part and my part alone in a conflict with a loved one or a friend… The Steps have made it possible for me to reverse the process of blaming making me aware that all I can change, if at all, is myself, my perceptions, my attitude and my behavior; that I can never change others, that I don’t have to at all… Today, I’m able to identify, acknowledge, own and embrace my shortcomings, those defects of character that I employ many a times in my daily life to achieve something and with the help of the steps, see how these defects are actually self-defeating for me and give me exactly the opposite of what I went out to achieve with their use. I’m able to cooperate with my Higher Power in transforming these defects by trying to use the principles of the program instead in those situations… I’m able to observe and admit my mistakes that I commit in the course of a day and make amends for them to the best of my ability… Most of all, I have a conscious contact with my Higher Power today… I see, hear and feel my Higher Power at work in my daily life. I have a great Sponsor who continues to guide me through all those vulnerable phases of my recovery. I have loving Sponsees who walk this journey of recovery with me. I have been blessed with a loving and understanding family of homegroup members at “Jyothi Group of NA” here in my town. I have the loving and caring support of online fellowship at EGNA, Miracles In Progress and at Living The Program Group. I share and care the NA way with hundreds and thousands of recovering addicts all over the world that I can reach out to, anytime, anywhere, be it face-to-face or cyberspace… When I look at where I came from and where I am today, I get this overwhelming feeling of gratitude and joy that I’m an addict; that my addiction was only a small price that I had to pay to get this wonderful program in my life today; that it was completely worth it to have gone through all that pain and destruction. Because of living this miraculous program, today I live and experience life more fully; working with passion, love and intimacy in marriage, family responsibilities and commitments, pursuit of hobbies, step work with Sponsor and Sponsees, service at group and area levels, pain and joy, success and failure, love and hurt, excitement and boredom, I experience it all fully and completely, accepting and embracing it all as my Higher Power’s gifts for me… I’m grateful that I’m a part of NA, that I have all of you, my tribe… I love each one of you dearly and I need you all in my recovery… Walk in the Light with your Higher Power, Tahir NA Member Jyothi Group of NA Bangalore Area India
